Digital Epidural, Volume 18

I've always imagined myself having a boy first. And to be perfect honest, my gender detection instincts tell me that the baby will be a boy. However, these instincts are not based on any kind of fact, logic or track record. However, the other night I had a dream that the baby was a girl. (I've also had dreams of having a boy for anyone trying to dig too deep a meaning.) My dream got me thinking about being a mom to a girl and her looking to me as her first example of what a woman should be. I always looked to my mom as an example of how a woman should act, what she should say, and what she could do.

With that in mind, if our little baby turns out to be a girl these are the things that I, at this point in my life, would like her to learn about what being a woman means:

1.Women are strong, physically, emotionally and mentally. This does not mean that it's not OK to cry or to ask a man to open a jar for you. That does not make you weak. Allowing anyone to dominate you, physically, emotionally or mentally, is what will make you weak.

2. Women and men are not the same. We need to celebrate our differences. Equality with men is important, but equality does not mean being identical.

3. Your career is in your hands. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not qualified to do something because you're a woman. No matter what you choose to do -- astronaut, doctor, lawyer, stay at home mom -- pursue it with your whole heart and full of passion.

4. Being smart and being pretty are not mutually exclusive. One of the most fun things about being female is the fashion, make-up and style that are uniquely our own. Don't feel like you have to forgo those things in order for someone to take you seriously. And, most importantly, don't ever play down your intellectual ability for the sake of a boy's ego.

5. Sports are not just for boys. Both the enjoyment garnered from playing and watching them belong to you too.

6. Women come in all shapes and sizes. Be healthy and whatever body that state of being generates, embrace it. Life would be boring if every woman wore a size 0. Happy people are always more beautiful than miserable people.

7. Do not depend on anyone else to define who you are as a person. Figure out who you are separate and apart from anyone else. The important people in your life will help shape who you become, but it's up to you to put those pieces together to make a whole person.

8. Every girl has an awkward phase. We get braces and pimples and have a bad hair cut and feel like we will never be pretty. You will become more beautiful each day of your life due in no small part to the confidence you will gain along the way.

9. Don't confuse love and sex. If a boy really loves you, he will wait for you. If he tries to get you to sleep with him by telling you he loves you, he doesn't really love you.

10. When you find that man that you will spend the rest of your life with, cherish him. Treat him the way you want him to treat you.

This is the woman I strive to be and the woman I hope I raise a daughter to be.

Digital Epidural, Volume 17

Stephen and I headed to Denver for Labor Day weekend to hang out with our good friends the Poetschkes. While we were there, my family in Denver threw a shower for me which was lots of fun and my first time to be the guest of honor at a baby shower.

Rosa told me on our way to the shower that she didn't know why, but she always got face-of-the-sun-hot during her showers. I am the type who is typically always looking for a blanket, so I thought it wouldn't be a problem for me. However, by the time I finished opening presents, I must have undoubtedly reeked from the gallons of sweat puddled next to me. I wondered for a second if I could just take finish up the festivities sans clothing. I remembered reading somewhere that getting nude for these types of showers was a faux pas, so I played it safe. I'm evaluating my most breathable clothes for my next shower.

As a side note, one of my cousins brought her 7-year old daughter. Her daughter didn't want to come at first because she thought that everyone would actually be bathing me in a shower. Prettty funny.

Seeing the Poetschkes was lots of fun and made us both miss them even more. Their daughter, Lola, was born last December. Shortly thereafter they packed up and moved to Denver so we haven't spent much time with them in their new role as parents. It was my first time spending long periods of time on consecutive days around a baby since becoming pregnant. That weekend I had moments of great comfort and moments of absolute terror.

Being pregnant is starting to get pretty physically uncomfortable. I think I may have pulled a muscle under my rib cage from all the stretching my body is enduring. There's a part of me that's just ready for pregnancy to be over so I can lie on my stomach, drink alcohol, play soccer, and run without it being uncomfortable. Watching Stephen and Rosa with Lola, I had moments of, "Hooray! I can't wait to meet little Horace (my new code-name for our child). Being a parent looks like it's fun."

But, those moments were closely followed by thoughts of, "How many times a day does she eat? Do you get to do anything but feed her? When does she wake up in the morning? Does that include weekends? How much spit can she possibly create and why does none of it stay in her mouth?"

I think the closer we get to B-day, the more I realize how completely unprepared I am to become a mother. But, is anyone ever really prepared to enter that world? Since I've never done it before, it's so foreign and it's completely unnatural to my current state of things. I'm not saying I'm not excited to meet little Horace and take him or her home with us, I'm just saying that maybe I'll deliver a little late. . . like two or three years late.