Digital Epidural, Volume 21

I had my final doctor's appointment today. The baby has made some progress towards the exit, but my doctor is still pretty sure that it won't be coming before the induction date. As I write this, barring something unexpected, I will be a mom one week from right now. It was pretty surreal to leave the doctor's office and realize the next time I will see my doctor will be when I'm having a baby. I worked today and am working a short day tomorrow and then will be done with work for 8 weeks. Needless to say, I'm having a lot of life changes in the next week.

I recently read a blog my friend Katie Moore posted about her path to motherhood and I was inspired to write about my own journey and take a moment to reflect back on the path which led me to this place.

When Stephen and I got married, we both agreed we wanted to wait 4 to 5 years to start trying to have kids. I still had a year of law school left and wanted to get my career off the ground before I started thinking about adding kids to the mix.

Four years passed and we both agreed that five was a better number. Then five years passed. At that point I think Stephen was ready, but I wasn't. I'd always dreamt about having kids as a young girl, but I think watching friends have kids and see how much it really changed their lives and how much freedom they lost made that desire retreat deeper inside me. There was a point in our marriage where I wasn't sure I ever wanted to have kids. I liked my life the way it was. I like traveling and not having to worry about paying for someone's college education and being able to stay at the office late because a little kid wasn't waiting for me to come home.

So, in about October of 2007 (five plus years after we got married), I went off birth control. I figured that if I didn't do it then, I would get far too comfortable with my freedom and might never want to do it. In January, we thought we might be pregnant. We took an at home test which said that we were. I can't explain to you the panic that went through me. Stephen was so excited and I felt like I was about to poop my pants.

To make a long story short, they ran a number of tests that came up with varying answers as to the mystery of what was in my uterus. We went on a family reunion cruise the week after running all these tests. The question of whether I was pregnant or not was still up for debate as we boarded the ship. We were on board the ship about two days before my doctor called to tell me that the last test they ran indicated that I was probably pregnant at some point. When I told her I had started bleeding, she told me to go to the on board doctor to get a pregnancy test done and see what he said.

My little brother was with us at this particular moment so we had to explain what was going on to him. So the three of us headed to the ship doctor to see what was going on. This really sweet nurse gave me one of those pee on a stick tests. It came out negative and all I could do was cry. It was the first time in a really long time that I wanted to be a mom.

The jury is still out on what exactly happened to my body that January, but whatever it was, God used it as a way to show me that even though I wasn't entirely ready to give up my freedom and become a mom, being a mom was what my heart truly desired.

Two months later I took another test, but this time all the blood work backed up at home test results. And now . . . seven and a half months later, I sit here a week away from giving birth.

Pregnancy has definitely not been my favorite experience or one that I want to endure again soon, but I'm excited about what it is going to produce. I'm completely clueless about this world that I'm about to enter, but I'm entering it knowing no matter how hard it is, it's what I want.

Digital Epidural, Volume 20

Tomorrow I go in for my second to last doctor's appointment. I'm crossing my fingers that something . . . anything . . . has happened to progress the baby towards living outside versus inside of me but I'm not overly optimistic about it.

Now that D-day is getting closer and closer, Stephen and I are constantly wondering whether it's a boy or a girl. I think we both feel like it's a boy so we're convinced that it must then be a girl. The closer it gets, the crazier it seems that one of the names that we've picked out (which are still super top secret by the way) will be attached to a little human being soon.

When my mom was pregnant with my older brother, she and my dad were convinced they were having a girl. They didn't pick a boy's name because they were so sure they were having a girl. So, my brother was supposed to be Michelle Renee. Only, he wasn't a girl, so my parents had to pick out a boy's name for him on the spot.

Anyway, I was thinking about this the other day, which led me to wonder . . . what if Jim had been a girl . . . what would my name have been? Would I be the same person if I had been named Jennifer or Kelly instead of Michelle? Would I have had the same friends, gone into a different profession, ended up at a different college, would my life be totally different? How much does your name define who you are? Will the names that we have selected for Baby Boudreau determine who they become as people or will they be a certain way regardless of their name?

However your name affects who you become as a person, I'm excited to see what gender Baby Boudreau is and share his or her name with everyone. I am horrible at keeping secrets.

Digital Epidural, Volume 19

It's been awhile since I wrote my last blog. As I write this, I have less than 4 weeks until my official due date. It is hard to believe that d-day is so close. It's been a unique experience to be sure. But I am, without a doubt, ready for the baby to be out of the womb ASAP. The expiration date on the overcrowding in my uterus, my inability to sleep well, and heartburn every time I eat has come and gone. Bring on the next challenges.

I've started weekly doctor appointments where they check my cervix for dilatation. It's great fun and not at all uncomfortable -- HA! Actually it's not fun at all and super uncomfortable . . . especially since my cervix is still a locked vault, meaning our new arrival will probably not be coming anytime soon.

My boss has a little celebration every time I come back to the office after one of these appointments and report no progress. While I understand her wanting me to stay around as long as possible (who wouldn't, really), I'm ready for this journey to be over.

While we were at our most recent doctor's appointment, the doctor had us set up an induction date in the event that the baby doesn't come on its own. If baby Boudreau continues in it's stubborn ways, December 2 is the last stop. When the doctor was telling us about this, she began down the path of explaining how many people don't like the thought of induction, but that once you get past your due date risks go up, etc. I don't know if she thought I was going to put up a road block, but I cleared that right up. I told her that if the baby wasn't here by my due date, I didn't care how they did it but they needed to get it out of me. Like I said, I'm ready for the baby to take up its wriggly squirmy habits somewhere other than my uterus.

I saw a commercial on TLC the other day for a show called something like "I didn't know I was pregnant." I guess the premise of the show is telling the stories of women who end up delivering a baby without ever knowing they were pregnant. While I'm sure that this happens on the extremely rare occasion, I call foul on there being enough women out there with this experience to base an entire show on.

Having gone through almost 9 months of pregnancy now, I don't understand how this is possible. It's not like the only clue would be the lack of that monthly visitor. Among the myriad of symptoms, I don't get how you would explain the baby's movements (especially towards the end when they get painful based on the lack of room). I mean what kind of health issues could you possibly think you have that would result in that kind of symptom -- some kind of massive tape worm?

So, to wrap up, I can no longer bend over without great difficulty, sleeping is a chore more than something I enjoy, my baby thinks it's an acrobat, and there are no signs of labor on the horizon.

Hooray!